April = Balance

3/24/13:  As I look forward to April and think about what my goal should be one thing is standing out ... I need a better balance.  What do I mean by that?  Simply, I spend way too much time and effort on things that in the long run won't mean much.  Kris Carr (she's so f*ing cool!) posted on her blog a piece that really hit home not long ago - "How to do less and live more".   I've been thinking about it since then so it makes sense as my April goal.   Plus when I think April I think 'April Showers' and 'Spring Cleaning' so I figure this is my way to clean out the crap in my life that weighs me down emotionally.  Take better care of myself by my diet but also how I treat myself!

Now I just have to figure out what that means IN ACTION!   I've started by ordering three books for my Kindle:

Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips - by Kris Carr:  No, I don't have cancer.  I've seen a little of Kris and have heard about her story but I've not watched her documentary yet (tried to find it but not on Netflix).  So I figured what a great place to start!  After all - she had a hell of a challenge to face & seems to have found peace ... if nothing else it should be motivational.

Stress?  Find Your Balance - by Lynn Osterkamp & Allan Press:  It was .99 on Kindle so I figured what the hell.  I'm not a 'self help' book girl but then again if you'd asked me a few months back I'd have told you I wasn't a 'veggie' girl either!

Don't Live To Work - Work To Live! - by Kyra Harris:  Another 'cheap' one on Amazon I figured I'd try - just $3.99.   I've been having a rough go of it for quite a while in terms of feeling like I give way too much of myself to my job and have little leftover for me, for Hubby, for other loved ones.  60 hours a week seems to have become the new full time instead of 40.  Being 'plugged in' and accessible 24/7 seems to be the expectation.  "Everybody" works long hours so if you push back you are a complainer.  It's really getting old and honestly it has affected me in so many negative ways.  Almost every time I've fallen off "the wagon" in terms of a diet or exercise I can link it to an increase in work stress/ workload.  My health isn't worth it - simple as that.

3/25/13:  Well I guess I'm going to get a head start on my goal for April.  I had a heart to heart with my boss today about the amount on my plate and my need for balance.   She asked me some tough questions and I gave her some very honest answers.  Things she didn't want to hear like no matter the potential she sees in me I have no interest in being a leader now or ever ... I'm not climbing the ladder or interested in advancement.   Like I just want to work a 40 hour week.  I'll do 50 sometimes, even 60 sometimes if it is a rough spot but 60 hours for the last 2 years is ridiculous.  Like my husband suggests I quit because my hours are worse than his and he's an executive.  Like I'm not looking outside the company but I've thought of transferring to another team.   Like I've even talked to some people about what their teams are like in terms of personal / professional balance.   She reacted well ... I think she heard me.  Now we'll see what she does in terms of action.  I'm nervous but I needed to do it.  It was a big risk but I needed to do it.  Something has to give.   I'm taking care of myself in terms of the changes I've made since the new year with what I've put in my mouth.  I'm on track to continue for the long haul as it is becoming a habit.  But if I don't make some other changes for my emotional health then I feel like it's only a piece of the puzzle.  I'm not happy.   So I took the jump.  Now we'll see where I land!  (if you haven't figured it out I'm WAY out of my comfort zone here!)

4/7/13:   Finished the Crazy Sexy Cancer book ... don't get me wrong, it is good, but it is truly for someone with cancer.  I am glad I read it though as it does have some good advice about focusing on yourself - not getting lost in the day to day and really truly taking care of yourself.  She believes in a vegan / raw way of life with a lot of supplements.  She does us Stevia and some other things that I don't use.  She gets really into the nutrition of it all - which I have to be honest kind of shuts me down.  I guess it just feels so "diet" to me to get too far into that.  I love the simplicity of 'real' vs. knowing the science behind everything I put in my mouth.   She is one hell of a cool chick though - bad ass!  I may get her book that is the 'wellness' version later but for now I'm focusing on balance so moving on.

Speaking of balance ... with my travel last week I haven't exactly gotten started yet.  Week one = bust!  100% work, no me.  This weekend I've been so focused on cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking to nuke this virus / bug that other than purposefully taking a nap both yesterday and today I haven't thought much about it.  The naps were more about resting to help my body ward off this bug than thinking about balance.   So the big question is what does balance mean in action?  There's the books I'm reading.  But what else?   Well, there is the obvious of limiting work hours.  But what else?  That's the big question.  What are my 'rules' for balance to make this work this month?

1.  No more than 45 hours a week of work.
2.  Sleep from 10:30PM to 6:30AM every night.
3.  Take a bath most nights before bed to relax.
4.  Take a lunch break every day.
5.  Keep reading.
6.  Keep caring for myself through nutrition.

I guess that's enough.  I mean the point isn't to do more - but less.  To slow down.  Do I even know how to do that?  That's the question!

4/19/13:

Well I've definitely hit most of my goals.  Getting a nasty cold has helped because it forces me to take time for me.  I've had it for over a week now and though it is getting better the cough is lingering as is the fatigue.  So in the last 2 weeks I've definitely made my 'less than 45 hours of work' goal!  I've also gotten my sleep ... going to bed some nights as early as 8PM.  Now that I'm feeling better I'm still averaging 10PM to 7AM.   The baths definitely helped with achy muscles too.  I did learn that it is not relaxing to take a bath unless I make Hubby keep the dogs while I'm doing it though!   Our big guy is a PEEPER!  He does this when you are in the shower too but it doesn't really bother me ... but when you are in a bath relaxing and you've got this big ole face staring at you close to eye level?  

NOT relaxing!  Oh and when he sticks that head into the tub and takes a drink?  Again - not exactly what I'd had in mind!  My mind immediately flipped from 'ahhhhhhhhh peace' to 'OH GOD DON'T END UP WITH DOGGIE DIARRHEA FROM THE BUBBLE BATH!'  ... I know - doesn't make one think stress relief - does it?

I've not done as well with the lunch break & nutrition goals.   I blame the cold as I just haven't wanted to cook or go to the grocery.   I am happy to say that I did NOT go back to my 'sick food' of many many years ... what is that?  Basically only eating saltines & chicken ramen noodles ... oh and drink a HUGE amount of regular sprite.  Though I'll admit I had my moments of craving and thinking of how easy it would be to quick run to HyVee and grab them I decided to keep going with leftovers, tea and oatmeal.  I did give in and have Hubby order me a Jimmy John's sandwich Monday night because we hadn't gone to the grocery yet and the leftover zucchini lasagna had been sitting in the fridge long enough to scare me a little.   But funny thing - it tasted HORRIBLE to me.  Seriously!  Jimmy John's ... that glorious white bread that I loved ... it tasted blah.  The turkey?  Tasted processed and kind of salty.   The tomatoes and lettuce?  No taste ... I swear not even a hint of sweetness in those tomato slices!  I'm sure part of it is my stuffy head and sore throat but you'd think I'd have enjoyed it more ... especially since it had the "I'm being naughty" thing & I usually dig that (I know - such a bad girl!) but nope ... just not satisfying at all!

I have continued to read and there are some good tips in both of those books listed above.  The key - like with anything in life - is to try them.   My first instinct was the "all A" student in me - to dive in and  try them all ... but really?  That would be counter-productive.  The point is to SLOW DOWN not all of a sudden be over-stressed trying all kinds of new things.  I'm ALREADY changing a lot in this journey and everything I've ever seen or heard about change is that if you want it to be real ... to stick and be truly long term then you have to do it gradually.    Funny enough I'm already doing several items that are suggested:

1.  Get your sleep!

2.  Eat healthy!

3.  Get a hobby / do things you enjoy ... I'm cooking & planning to get out there as soon as I can in the garden!  And I'm blogging - I love to write so it's a hobby too!

4.  Set some boundaries with work ... I've already had the conversation with my supervisor & I'm happy to say she actually listened and has changed how they do work assignments so that what is on my plate at one time is being monitored instead of just dumped.   Don't get me wrong - I'll still bust my butt at work but at least now I am not drowning.  And personally I've given myself some rules ... forcing myself to say I won't work more than 45 hours a week has made me thinking about when I'm starting and when I'm quitting.  And let's face it - when you are cooking dinner you CAN'T quit at 7PM because good lord then you'd be eating at 9 or 10!

One thing that they suggested that I did do because it was so easy to do was to put some notes up for myself.  Since I work from home & my office is truly a private space I was able to do this literally on my computer.  I taped them right to the edge of the monitor so that I'm looking at them all day.  They say:

"SLOW DOWN"

"SHUT UP"

"LISTEN"

I'm trying to talk less & listen more ... I can be a bit too vocal and accidentally volunteer myself for more work by doing so!

"PERFECTION IS BULLSHIT"

"NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE"

"IT'S JUST A JOB"

These three are for the perfectionist "all A student" in me.  I have one hell of a work ethic - to my detriment.  And I'm a serious 'people pleaser' when really much of the time it isn't up to me to save the day or I'm holding myself to standards no one else would ever hold me to.

"SERENITY NOW!"

Okay that last one is just because it makes me giggle.  It is from an old Seinfeld episode where George's dad goes around screaming "Serenity NOW!" every time he needs stress release like a mantra. Yep not exactly how mantra is supposed to work but when I read the chapter on mantras in one of the books I thought of this and it just made me laugh. Let's face it - laughter can be a stress release like almost nothing else!

I think one of the biggest things I have to remember is that just like everything else in this journey finding balance will be a process.   I'll fail along the way - but if I get back on the horse & keep it on my radar I'll get there.

4/29/13:

Sadly work has gone back to too much on my plate.  I'm going to have to figure out something else to get it all done other than relying on my boss to manage my work load.  Such is business - it is her job to get as much out of each of us as possible and to meet those metrics.  Sadly personal / professional balance is not something employers have to pay attention to right now ... they will eventually when the market shifts again towards the employees.  Right now they could get rid of me tomorrow and put a much cheaper 20 something in my place and train him / her.  That's not personal or me undervaluing myself ... it's just a fact of the market.   This morning I woke up early and got to work by 6AM, making sure I still quit at a reasonable hour so I don't feel like my life is 100% work.  I'll continue that for the time being as I look to find other ways to cut my hours back - basically to be more efficient.

I think what this month has done more than anything is just make me think about this.  I always complain about it ... but thinking about solutions is new.  That's the right step.

Hmmmmm ... time to start thinking about what my focus will be for May.