After my dear loved one was diagnosed with ALS my world shifted focus. Yes, I completely dropped this blog. It just wasn't important. So much was no longer important. Now as I look back I realize that it was the hardest and yet one of the most rewarding years of my life. You see my loved one was like a second mother to me. To give you perspective while not telling my entire life story ... I've been estranged from my family for many years. This woman has forever been like an Aunt to me as she's known me my entire life ... but she had truly become my mother figure. I immediately kicked in to support her and the family. I was able to arrange it so that I could travel the 1.5 hours to the farm every Friday to be her caregiver all day. I managed the fundraising website and the Facebook page & group. Yes, I'm speaking of her in the past tense. She earned her wings in August. I miss her every single day. Watching ALS take away bit by bit of her was awful. But she never let it take her faith or her spirit. She never let it take her patience or love. Her strength in the face of death was amazing. Watching it changed me. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm stronger. I'm more grounded. I'm even more driven to live a life that focuses on what is truly important.
I did complete that exercise program and I've stuck with it. Oh I'll admit I've been sporadic. I did let stress and old habits get me more than a few times. I even got to the point where every Friday on my way home from the farm I was stopping at McDonalds. Ahhhh, stress ... the great excuse to increase the size of one's ass! But I kept getting back on the wagon. I finally started taking my own food down there so that I wouldn't go after the cookies and chocolate and other naughties that are always present there. I compare this journey as very similar to my battle to quit smoking many years back. I quit time and time again. I fell off the wagon and started back up smoking time and time again. But then finally I got to the point where I knew I was done. The stress came and I didn't reach for the cigarette. Then I got to the point where it no longer smelled good when I passed someone smoking. I'm starting to see these same things happening with my journey with food.
To make it through my loved one's death without diving off the deep end? I can't believe I did it! But I did. When she passed my boss, who had been wonderful to me throughout her illness was clearly thinking that he'd get his workaholic rockstar back ... no. I have no interest in working 60 hours a week. It's a JOB. Working like that is not going to help me reach my health goals. It's not good for my marriage and it is not good for me period. So though it has taken several tough conversations I've convinced him that I can still be a valuable employee while working less hours. He understands that my top priority right now is to find that personal / professional balance. I can finally say that I'm making it to my 5:30PM exercise class more days than not. The new role within my company that I just accepted on Thursday will make sure that I always make it. I'll be working with a client who is on East Coast time so even if I work "late" there is no reason I can't get there.
I am continuing my journey with food and cooking. I dare say I'm pretty damn good at this cooking thing now! I still go by recipes mostly ... not good enough to 'wing it' like others I know but I'm getting there. I tend to use Sundays as my main cooking day so that I don't have to worry about spending a large part of the evening cooking. Let's face it, if I don't do this I'll go for quick / easy take out. I'm learning my pit falls.
Oh I'm still a big girl. I haven't lost a great deal of weight since last year at this time. I won't pretend that I've been through some complete transformation. I've fallen off the wagon enough that I'm just proud that I've maintained through the stress of the last year. The only other time I can compare is when our first dog died. He was my baby ... and the first real loss I ever experienced. Oh I'd lost pets before but they were not really mine, they were my parent's. This one was mine. And he was the dog all mymother-instinct went into as my husband and I went back and forth about if we would have children. (Long story short I wanted kids, he determined later in our marriage that he did not ... not a good time in my life or in our marriage. We got through it but I had to sacrifice being a mommy to keep my marriage. That's a LOT of mommy instinct going into a dog!) When he died I lost it. I not only fell off my diet wagon but I DOVE off and didn't look up for more than 3 years. I'd gotten myself down to almost a healthy weight ... and woke up again when I was over 200 pounds. As I faced going through the final days and death of someone who in all ways but blood had become my mother .... I remembered what happened before and promised myself I wouldn't allow it. I'm still not sure how I did it ... but I did.
So now it's time to get off the gerbil wheel and actually have the steps I'm taking pull me forward. And now I begin to get back to a life where blogging doesn't seem like a luxury. Now it's time for me to be good to me.
